• 1.  Practice controlling temper.  It is not enough to have children talk about what they should do when they are upset, they must actually practice controlling their temper to target both the emotional and the thinking parts of their brains.  This is called emotional reeducation.   Games go a long way toward teaching emotional control.   For instance, instead of playing a traditional game, try adding allowed teasing to practice not showing a reaction.
• 2.  Practice calming the body.  We must train our children to recognize the early physical signs of emotional reactions in order to learn self-control.  When we get upset, our bodies tense, our faces flush, we go into hyperalterness:  our posture, expression, and gestures change.  We calm ourselves by breathing deeply or distracting ourselves.
• 3.  Practice negotiation.    Direct cognitive skills of conflict resolution teach  negotiation instead of arguing or fighting.  In a conflict resolutution, each person states their point of view as well as the other person’s point of view (the underlying philosophy is that everyone has the right to their own point of view).  Then, both people agree on at least three possible solutions that are compromises (the underlying philosophy here is that both people are on the same side now).  They then evuate each option toghether, seeking at outcome that will satisfy them both.  Finally, they agree on a plan of action of how to put the best solution into effect.

We as parents walk a fine line between catering to our children’s internal arousal system and providing coping strategies, such as verbal and cognitive strategies and time outs.   Research consistently demonstrates that how parents deal with their own emotions affects how their children express and deal with their feelings as well.

Further resources are available at www.APAonline.com, and How to Raise a Child with a High Emotional Quotient:  A Parents’ Guide to Emotional Intelligence by Lawrence Shapiro, Ph.D.